On January 21, 2011 I began a very long, very difficult journey. I quit drinking and all things related to hiding my authentic self.
As a party girl for many, many years…being sober was tough.
But it got easier.
Reality, when it struck…took some getting used to.
Then I realized I was gay. (read https://40isthenew40.co/2013/09/04/no-but-for-real/)
I got divorced.
And I fell in love. Beautifully, amazingly in love. And then tragically out of love again. Ouch.
I am single, for the first time in over 20 years. As a lesbian, for the first time ever in my life.
I’m happy. Happyish.
I would say I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. It feels good. I feel free. I feel independent.
I like who I am and where I am going.
Dealing with my kids dismay at my gayness is difficult. Really difficult. Watching them learn to navigate living in two houses and the changes divorce has brought to their lives is not fun at all. But I am focused on them, helping them, loving them through it.
I know I have today, this moment. I feel grateful. I am overwhelmed with gratitude at the beauty of life. I am grateful for friendships and the blue sky and thunderstorms and my amazing children who love me even though they are angry at me. I am grateful for the possibility of a genuine friendship with my x-husband and his family, which I can’t stop feeling is my family after 20 plus years of loving them. I am grateful for the breath that fills my lungs and the legs that carry me on long runs, filled with deep conversations with one of my favorite people in the world. I feel connected to GOD again, and that’s important to me. I feel comforted by him again. I don’t feel alone.
I am learning, slowly, to be present in this moment. To stop worrying about tomorrow or the next day. To re-train my brain to stop obsessing over the past. My therapist has been helping me train that thought muscle to focus on the now, things I am excited about, things I love. And it’s working. Slowly. I am meditating. Anyone who knows me would probably pee their pants laughing at the image of me meditating. Seriously, I am meditating. I am sitting still in silence and focusing on my breathing and saying to myself “wandering” whenever my thoughts wander, which they do every three seconds. I am working my way up to 4 seconds. Baby steps.
I am becoming comfortable with my slightly messed up self. I am ok with two steps forward, three steps back.
I don’t want to be anything else or anywhere else than who I am and where I am right now. I have dreams and ambitions, things I want to accomplish but I am not worried. For the first time in my life, I am not overwhelmed by worry.
I chose 40 is the new 40 because this blog is about being exactly who I am, authentically imperfect.
I love writing and observing the world.
When I am called to comment on some tiny moment in life, I will add it here.
Enjoy and please comment.