The Things I Know

Lately I have been feeling that life is a mystery. I can’t figure it out and I have reached an age or a part of my life where I just don’t give a shit. I find myself pondering something deeply and then thinking, oh well, that’s impossible to understand, and then simply letting that unfigure outable shit go. I am pretty sure that the older we are, the more we realize how very little we know. I see my teens with their certainty and I can’t help but laugh at how sweet it is, that confidence in knowing the truth. Adorable teenagers with all of their knowledge. It’s so cute.

There is one thing I know for sure. I don’t have the answer. I have lots of questions. But very few answers. So in an effort to feel certain about something, I would like to blog a list of things I feel like I know.

TEN things Renee is certain about

  1. It makes no sense at all that gas stations leave cases of water, firewood, soda, etc…outside for people to steal. People will steal them, gas station owners. Why do you leave them outside?  Stop doing that. I don’t steal and I don’t drink soda and I am opposed to small plastic bottles of water when you can fill your own bottle so no worries about me stealing your stuff. But other people will steal it. It almost seems like you are inviting people to steal it. Esp. teenagers and drunk people. Oh and drunk teenagers, they will be the first to steal them.
  2. If you meet someone once for a few hours and have a nice chat, don’t send them a love note and flowers the next day. I mean if the few hours included some bedroom time, and it was real good, that’s cool, send the flowers. But if all you did was chat a bit, flowers are overkill. And creepy. Save flowers for later. Way later.
  3. If you once sent an angry email to an x-girlfriend that included such gems as “your face looks like leather”, “the only thing good about you is sex” and “I feel sorry for your children having to grow up with a mom like you”…you can certainly say you are sorry and mean it and they can accept your apology, peaceful resolution can exist. But if they say, please don’t contact me again. DON’T CONTACT THEM AGAIN. GO AWAY. STOP CONTACTING THEM. It’s weird. And it makes you look like an asshole. Relationships end sometimes. Sometimes we do stupid shit and we have to live with our bad choices. It sucks. But every so often, the price of the mistakes we make is the loss of someone we once loved, the forever loss. And accepting that truth, well that’s called growing up.
  4. Raising children is hard. I have three. I have no advice for how to raise them. Well except fucking get ready cause it is the coolest, most ridiculously hard thing you will ever have to do. And it’s joyful and scary and I am still not sure if I have completely screwed it up. I suppose you won’t ever know until your adult children are in therapy and telling you that you really screwed them up. But here’s the thing, if you don’t actually have children THEN SHUT UP ABOUT GIVING PEOPLE ADVICE ON HOW TO RAISE THEM. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. You non parents bitching on social media about how other people are doing it. Stop it right now. Don’t say I used to babysit so I understand. Don’t say I used to work at day care or my sister has kids or I practically raised my siblings. You DO NOT understand. You CANNOT understand. So shut up. Give advice about how to do something you actually have done. That’s an excellent use of your time. Otherwise, just offer love and support and bitch about how badly behaved everyone’s children are quietly in your own home where no one can hear you. And pray that if you ever do have children no one remembers your soap box speeches while your little beast is destroying something or being to loud or acting like a jerk in public.
  5. On a lighter note, Donald Trump won’t be a good president. I feel certain of this.
  6. If you want to be a “thin” body type,  there is a secret to it. It’s a very important secret and I am certain that I know that secret and I am going to share the secret with you now. Are you ready? You must burn as many calories as you take in to stay the same weight you are right now. You must burn MORE calories than you take in to lose weight. It’s called science. It’s very scientific. All the games we play with diets and exercise and formulas for success…they are just different ways of working with the secret. Lately I have been unhappy with my belly fat. It’s there because I eat too much bullshit food (high in calories) and not enough good for me food (low in calories). I am choosing to change my diet quite aggressively in order to lose the belly fat and tone my body because I want to do it. It makes me happy to do it. I find that as I explain the changes in my diet to people who ask me about it that it seems like I am selling something other than this very well kept secret. I just need to say out loud to people, there are many ways to get to the secret but it’s based on a very simple thing: burn more than you consume. That’s it.
  7. Making the choice to eat food that is good for your body and not high in empty calories like delicious and wonderful thin mint girl scout cookies kept in the freezer and french fries  with that yummy pink spicy ranch type dressing that tastes so good and pasta with thick cream sauce is very difficult. Anyone who says it is not difficult is full of shit. Maybe someday you could reach a point where the thought of putting those ranch dipped french fries in your mouth disgusts you. Maybe you can if you are like a Hindu Yogi or some such nonsense. But normal people, it’s hard. That’s a truth I know.
  8. Tired children are assholes. Tired people in general are assholes. But kids, they really need good sleep. Unless you want kids who are assholes, It’s a good idea to try to get kids on a decent bed schedule. I don’t always do it but I know I should.
  9. Running is awesome. I will be very sad when I can’t run anymore. I know it will happen someday. I am 45, the knees hurt a bit. I have a couple of amazing, beautiful, smart, cool, interesting women that I run with. It’s my favorite. I love it so much. Running isn’t for everyone. Some people bike, or walk, or hike or dance. But i feel confident in saying that everyone needs a form of physical activity that brings them joy.
  10. We only have this moment. Every other moment is not guaranteed. I think knowing this makes it a bit easier to get through life, even the hard parts. Because dammit, if this is my last moment, I want it to be a decent one. They can’t all be happy, some will even be really, really crappy. But focusing on the moment you are in, well, we have to do that more. As much as we possibly can.

That’s all I’ve got. Not a bad list. See, I know some stuff.

These 45 years have not been wasted on me.



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