fuck you very much

Yeah, I just typed that. I am going to type that again, cause it felt really good.

fuck you very much.

fuck you very much.

AHHHHHH!!!! I love it. I love it so much. 

Not because I am angry. I am not angry. I am resigned. I am happy. I am calm. I am calmer and more peaceful than I have been in at least two years.

People told me, a little over a year ago that I would get over this heartbreak and feel better, be better, better than when I started. It was kind of hard to imagine. Because I was so sad. Devastated. And being told by someone I had truly loved that I was crazy, that my sadness was unacceptable, someone I had loved, purely and honestly, laughed at my grief, publicly made fun of me for it. I retreated inside myself. Out of self protection. I caved into myself. It was awful. 

I didn’t really imagine getting over it. I spent a few zombie months, a few months in the “tin man” state where I constantly needed to be oiled to function. My wonderful friends helped, a beautiful lover helped, my amazing kids helped. Then I started to mostly feel better in chunks. Then better, then better and better. It took time. Therapy. Lots of thinking. And lots of time by myself. I ran about 5,000 miles. I meditated. I wept. I forgave. Myself. Others. I made peace with the people I had hurt. At least I tried to. I am still trying to. 

One of my friends told me I would be done  when I was done. She told me it would be over when it was over, that there were no shortcuts, that I had to give myself as much time as I needed. That the shortest way out was through. I didn’t hide from the pain. I embraced it and moved through it…like quicksand, like wet concrete, I moved right through it. I got frustrated. I took three steps forward and two steps back. But I kept moving forward. 

In the past two weeks, I realized it was gone, the burden, it was just gone. You really don’t realize how heavy you are until you are light again. Lightness is good. As much lightness as you can get in life is good. 

I shook off the last of it a few weeks ago and I am floating on a cloud of happiness.

And confidence.

And peacefulness.

I know who I am. I have risen. My beautiful, joyful self has risen. 

I am not looking over my shoulder anymore wondering who is laughing at me. I don’t feel humiliated anymore. I feel great. Amazing. Fantastic. To move without fear. Breathe fills my lungs. I can breathe again. Fully and completely. 

God it feels so good to feel good again. To stand grounded on my feet, firmly planted. To hold my head high again and feel my heart open again. To feel connected to the Lord again. To no longer be grasping for him and not reaching him.

(yes, I know Christian girl with a blog post titled Fuck You Very Much…whatever…I have never made much sense)

And to you, person who loves passionately and then not at all…who I almost allowed to destroy me:

You have taught me so much. Thank you. Thank you for the lessons. For real. I mean that. I am grateful to you for teaching me what I needed to know. I get it now and I have only one thing to say to you:

Fuck you very much. 

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Happy Friday!

 

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